- - -
Almost two months had passed and life had temporarily settled down. Quenderra was finally on break from college so she could spend some extra time each day thinking. Added to her list of things to think about and read that July were witty saying and riddles.
"What?!" she had exclaimed when she'd heard about what had taken place. "I was speaking in riddles? Impossible!! Trust me, I'm not that clever!" The blonde didn't remember that part of the ordeal and probably never would, but the details were killing her. "How can I be so smart when I'm half there and so dense when I'm not?" she often asked herself.
-
Now, there are several peculiarities about the different realities. The SSD, of course, were only able to affect the occurrences in two of them (as far as they knew). In the one, the SGC, Atlantis, wraith, and everything else actually existed. In the other, the one in which the SSD agents lived, the Stargate program simply didn't exist--no gate, no Atlantis, no goa'uld, wraith, etc. In the agents' reality, Stargate was a TV show with actors that looked shockingly like the real people in the other reality. There were some differences between the shows and the reality they were based off of...
"What is an Ori?" Vala had asked, while Daniel had wanted to know, "You mean, we finally found all the Ba'als?"
... and...
"Whaddaya mean I'm dead?? They actually killed me, then?" Carson had gasped in horror. "Bloody Americans!!!"
"Just remember, Carson," Quenderra had patted his shoulder sympathetically. "It was the Canadians that did it."
However, just because the Stargate program and its whole deal didn't exist in their Home Reality (Quen had insisted on naming it), didn't mean that the people of the SSD's Earth were justified in their collectively arrogant notion that they were alone in the galaxy. Oh, no, no, no. It was just that most of the "aliens" in their reality chose to keep a safe distance, watching unseen from their ships. Alien abductions were very rare, as said aliens kept to themselves and allowed the puny human race keep to itself. Well, except for those that had taken up residence on the Earth.
In fact, the owner of Sci Fi was a planetary foreigner (PF), as they preferred to be called. He found what his human minions came up greatly amusing, as most of it was so entirely off, it'd make his great-great-grandmother choke in her grave. Probably his great-grandmother, too, if she weren't still alive. What wasn't so off was like a visit home to him, which, coincidentally, was also quite amusing. Sometimes that man laughed too much. He had not had anything to do with the Spacey Award kidnapping of David Hewlett, however. That had been a different alien (they're only called PF's if they've taken up residence).
But this time, the SSD computer (a nice, new, complex machine which which the name-fiend Quenderra had dubbed "Ziggy" a la Quantum Leap; which ironically, was real in the Stargate reality) didn't inform them that any of the Stargate personnel were in trouble (via their new wrist devices), nor was it any of the actors. No. This time it was one of the writers. One whom Quenderra had decidedly decided that she liked.
This time, Joe Mallozzi was missing.
- - -
Fraggle's gun emptied round after round into the chest of her latest victim. When she was sure he was dead, she walked calmly away to get a glass of water, returning to find her next victim. Sweat beaded on her forehead from the exertion of the last kill, and she wondered if the next victim would be so hard to chase down.
The TDP appeared behind her, and she wished that Ziggy would give her 5 more minutes to kill the next guy, then save the game on the memory card of her new V.R game console. But no such luck, she would have to start the level again when she returned. Taking off the head set, she stepped into the TDP with a scowl.
"Whit now!" she whined as she slumped down in a chair in the SSD HQ, rubbing at a scar on her arm. "As if another 5 minutes would’ve mattered, It’s taken me days to get to that bloody level in the game!" She mumbled.
"Oh nice to see you too!" Quenderra said handing Fraggle her new black wrist device.
"Sorry, but dae yeh know how long it’s taken me to get to that bloody level? I'm tellin' yeh, ages it took, ages!" Fraggle said as she put on the device.
"Why didn't you save it?" Quen asked, walking over to the computer.
"What!?...Why didn't I...what...och!" Fraggle said exasperated. “Whit’s the matter now anyway? Whit pulled me away from my recuperation, I wis enjoying mysel!” She moaned, but didn’t really mean it, she knew there would be a good reason, there would be hell to pay otherwise.
“Joe Mallozzi has gone missing.” Quenderra announced.
Fraggle burst out laughing, which resulted in a sharp pain in her side from her healing rib cage.
“Yeah right! As if Joe would disappear halfway through writing and filming the new season! Hang about, that is quite odd!” She suddenly realized it could spell trouble. “What’s the story? Anyone demanded anything, any clues?”
"Well," said Quenderra, "according to Ziggy--"
"Ziggy?" Kass interjected.
"Ziggs..."
"Ziggs??" Fraggle made a face. Neither were as excited about the name as Quenderra was.
"Fine! Z--can we all live with that?" the blonde demanded.
"Oh, yeah." "Sure." her friends answered, suddenly agreeable again. Quen sighed, then laughed.
"Anyhow," she continued, "according to Z, there has been no demands made nor any clues left. He simply vanished. However, Z is of the opinion that it's some form of alien abduction... he, uh, he thinks Mallozzi ticked off a PF with something he wrote. In any case, we need to find Joe and get him back to work as soon as possible. If he's gone too long, season 4 of Atlantis might have to be delayed--that would make for a lot of unhappy fans."
"Yeah, no kidding," Kassandra murmured, images of revolting mobs swarming the Bridge Studios. She shook the thought from her head.
"Where should we start?" Fraggle asked, wanting to get the mission over and done with so she could return to her game.
"Um..." Quenderra typed something into the keypad of her remote device (RD). It looked like an iPod, except it had a miniature keypad that could be pulled out and rotated for convenience. Though, it did double as an MP3 player--only it didn't ever need new batteries and Quen had all her songs and whatnot stored on Z's back-up, back-up hard drive. "Z thinks we should first talk to Tahalnid."
"Who?" Fraggle wanted to know.
"Oh--the PF who owns Sci Fi," Kass supplied. "The one Quen flirts with shamelessly."
"Oh," said the Scot. They both looked at the blonde.
"What?" she demanded. "He flirts with me first!"
"Okay. I seem to remember a certain other PF that yeh flirted with. The one that took yer flirting as a sign of...."
"OKAY! Do not go there Fraggle!" Quenderra laughed embarrassed.
"Well, I'm jist saying, yeh cannae be too careful when other species and cultures are concerned!" Fraggle sniggered.
"Yeah, did he ever get back in touch with you?!" Kassandra laughed.
"How was I to know that my flirting would trigger his arms to do that! I'm not discussing it any further you two! Back to the mission at hand!" Quen's face told the others the joke was over. "Anyway, he didn't look alien, or PF. He looked human. I didn't know he wasn’t," she added after a few moments.
"Whit gave it away in the end?" Fraggle said innocently. “The fact that two new arms appeared, or the fact his ears were on the wrong way!” She almost didn’t finish the sentence for the explosion of laughter that burst from her face. Kassandra spat her drink over herself, and Quen eventually started laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing.
“Hey that’s not fair, his hair covered his ears, I did not see them! That’s the last time I go out for a drink with you two, to some new club!” she laughed.
The laughter died when the three new wrist devices began emitting an ear piercing beeping.
“It's talking about yer friend at Sci Fi, yes?” Fraggle looked at Quen. “This is not good at all.”
Kass looked worriedly at her two friends having been pulled through the TDP almost unknowingly in her half awake state that she seemed to reside in most days.
"Tahalnid's missing?" Quenderra echoed in surprise. "And we were about to go talk to him. That can't be a coincidence... Something’s going on here."
"Yeah--that's why we're here," Fraggle reminded her. "Mallozzi was missing first, remember?"
"But why?" the blonde posed the question. "Why Mallozzi and then Tahalnid? What do they possibly have in common??" Quen looked from one to the other. Kassandra blinked.
"Don't look at me," she murmured, "I dunno..."
The wrist devices shrill beep filled the air again.
"Och, come ON! Whit now!" Fraggle examined the incoming text.
<Sorry for the typo...Tahalnid missing YOU...please respond.> Z told them.
"That silly, sneaky bugger! He's jist wanting to see yeh!" Fraggle stared at Quen.
"He must think I am the only one with a device!" Quen answered, her face as red as beetroot.
"Yeah, well, I'll let him know you're not," Fraggle said furiously typing into the device.
"What are you writing!"
"Nothing much, just letting him know that we are coming to see him about Mallozzi's disappearance."
"Let me see!" Quen said as she grabbed Fraggle's wrist.
"Hey! Watch the sore bits!" Fraggle exclaimed as Quen roughly rubbed a scar.
'Quenderra can't come to her device just now, but as your message came to all our devices..'
"Fraggle!" Quen said as she deleted the line of text.
Kass's dazed look was beginning to disappear as she drank her third coffee. The problem was that she was now getting high on the caffeine, and that did not bode well for the other team members' sanity. It had happened to Fraggle once during a mission, she had drank the entire flask of coffee in one go and jeopardized the mission as she sprung up from cover and began running around shouting like an eejit, to the horrific surprise of the people they were stalking. As it was, they had gotten such a fright at the high Scot, they left their hostages and ran for the hills.
Quenderra actually had a shockingly high immunity to the substance. Kass, on the other hand, she giggled and laughed when she was caffeinated. So this meeting was going to go well.
"Well, lets jist get this whole mission underway. We have tae go see Tahalnid, then I think we should check out Mallozzi's last seen location for clues."
"Right, lets go."
A string of giggles issued from behind them as they were about to step into the TDP.
"Oh fer goodness sake! Come on, Kass, lets go, love!" Fraggle said as she helped the rather high Kass into the TDP.
"Ziggy, you do know you can relay messages to just one wristband, right?" Quenderra asked the computer before following her friends through the portal. The screen blinked blue in acknowledgment. "Better yet, just send my messages to the RD, alright?" 'OK' appeared in large letters. The blonde stepped into the TDP.
---
The TDP deposited the three agents just down the hall from Tahalnid's office. They traversed the few feet separating them from the door and knocked.
"Enter!" a voice beckoned from within. So, they did. "We are absolutely not getting rid of that show! Not if I have anything to say about it," Tahalnid was telling someone on the phone. "It's a great show, it has lots of fans. ... Don't worry--the show has not seen its time. Yes, yes--it'll be on for years more. Okay. Call me later. Alright." He hung up the phone as he turned to face them.
"Quenderra!" the man exclaimed, rising to his feet and extending out his arms.
"Tally!" Quenderra returned with one of her sweetest smiles, giving him a hug.
"Tally?" Fraggle and Kass exchanged looks.
"I have not heard from you in almost four days--I was beginning to get worried," the PF told Quen.
"Oh, well, I've been working," the blonde replied. "I told you I was bad at keeping in touch."
"Yes, but this is me we're talking about!"
"Yeah--my point exactly!" Quenderra fixed him with a challenging look.
"Ouch," Tahalnid said, pressing a hand to his heart--which was actually about mid-abdomen. He turned to Fraggle and Kassandra. "This girl is not so nice, sometimes," he declared. "It's good to see the both of you again, also."
"Almost four days, huh?" Fraggle glanced over at Quen, who just shrugged, though her cheeks were a bit rosy. Tahalnid KuRo (his alien name, not his Earth one) regarded the three agents each in turn.
"This is business, huh? SSD stuff, no?" he deduced.
"Yes, but we all got your touching message. Thank you," the Scot informed him.
"Oh?" he looked questioningly at Quen.
"We've all got wrist devices," she told him.
"Well, I'll have to stop sending love notes, then."
"Tahalnid! Behave!!"
"We're here to investigate the disappearance of Joe Mallozzi," Kass jumped in with a giggle. "I've got a few questions for you..."
"Ohboy," Quenderra murmured. The feeling in her stomach told her that she shouldn't have let Kass have three cups of coffee...
Kass stepped forward, her eyes bouncing around in their sockets, a huge grin on her face.
"JustwonderingthelasttimeyouseenMallozzi!" she garbled out spitfire rapid.
"Kass, can I have a wee word with yeh?" Fraggle said, hauling her out of the room. "Excuse us please!"
"Fraggle! Ialmosthadhim!"
"Yeh, almost had him whit? Deaf? Confused? How many coffee's did yeh have BEFORE yeh came through the TDP?"
"IhadtwobeforeIputmyshoeson. IhadonebeforeenteringtheTDP."
"So, including the three at HQ, ye've had 6 coffee's AND travelled in the TDP in the last two hours?!" Fraggle wondered whether she should take Kass to the hospital. "I've a good mind to boot yer ass! Yeh know better than to travel in the TDP caffeinated out yer head!" But Fraggle calmed down a little when Kass's face dropped almost in tears.
"I'm sorry love! Yeh know I'm only concerned 'bout yeh! Remember the last time?" Fraggle asked putting her arm around Kass's shoulder.
Kass nodded her head, remembering the time she almost caused the Junker to crash while giggling and suffering palpitations from the caffeine. Kass giggled again, she could not help herself. Fraggle looked at Kass's wrist device, which told her that Kass was not in any danger, her heart and vital signs were fine.
"You go and have a wee walk round the building. Better still, see if you can find a human sized hamster wheel and have a wee run in that. I will go help Quen with Mr. Lover Man. Okay? Meet you here in 10 minutes."
Fraggle entered the room, apologizing for Kass not returning with her, but the words caught in her throat.
Quen was staring out of a hole in the wall, looking down the side of the building, a breeze playing with her loose hair.
"Okay. Whit happened here? Where's the PF Romeo gone, then?" Fraggle said as she crossed the room to Quen.
"He's gone. Something pulled him out through this hole." Quen said confused.
"Yeah, okay. Here we are 6 stories high and something came through the damn wall and grabbed Romeo and took him away? Are yeh crazy! This is Earth, not Atlantis!" Fraggle said as she looked out through the hole. She was really getting mad now, not only did this escapade take her away from her game, it was beginning to look like it would do so for quite some time. “Oh jeez, I hope this isn’t anything to do with those Superfans!”
- - -
Several minutes later...
"Well, Quenderra said, consulting the RD, "according to Z," here she grinned, thinking she sounded like Al, "the likelihood that the Superfans have something to do with this whole mess has gone from a 'maybe' to a 'most-definitely-so'. They're also missing."
"What?" Kassandra asked. "Ifthey'regonewhyweren'twenotified??"
"Because, they're fans--not even related to an alien or PF. It's the police's job to go looking for them," Quen explained.
"Except when they're somehow involved with the disappearance of one or more of our people," Fraggle added.
"Precisely. Now, Mallozzi went missing first, then the Superfans, and now Tahalnid. Joe was last seen walking between his car and his office. I think we should start at Bridge Studios..."
- - -
Poor Kass was in such a come down, that she could barely raise a smile by the time reached the studios. "Oh my head!" she moaned.
Fraggle rubbed at her forehead, trying to rub away the migraine starting to set in. The pain behind her left eye was signaling that this one was going to be a sore one. "I jist don’t believe this! Talk about bad timing!" she said hunting through her combats for her Naproxen tablets.
She pulled out the box, finding that she had none left. "Och this day is jist going fae bad tae worse!" She scowled.
"Are you ok Fraggle?" Quen asked turning back to find out what her friend was moaning about his time.
"Me? Aye I'm fine, jist keep going." she said, following Quen.
"So that’s why you have been in such a bad mood," Kass said as she walked past Fraggle. "I warned you about playing those games for as long as you do!" She sniggered.
"Hey! Don't yeh laugh at me, little Miss Coffee Brains!"
"Wait, what is this?" Quen said suddenly stopping and staring at something on the ground.
"I dunno, surprise me." Fraggle moaned.
"It looks like little bit of green goo."
"What!" Kass said stepping backwards into Fraggle.
"Whoa! No way! Surely we are not dealing with the same crew fae the first adventure!"
"Nope, its not that shade of green." Quen said, poking at the goo with a stick. "It's more of a greeny-blue."
"No way am I having anything to do with anymore goo monsters. No, nope, never again!" Kass said instantly starting to hyperventilate.
"Kass, don’t worry. I still have baby wipes in mah pockets!"
"Nope, no good! Every time I see goo now, it makes me sick and everything!"
"Well you better not come any closer." Quenderra warned as she noticed something. "This is bigger than I first thought!"
Fraggle walked over and looked beyond Quen, seeing the massive splat-like goop of blueish goo right in front of one of the parked cars.
"Right then, I suppose yer gonna tell me, that’s Mallozzi's car? Yeah?"
"Eh, yeah. That would be Mallozzi's car."
Fraggle looked up to the sky. "I hope that some alien cow hasn't came through a TDP, coz that’s one big pile of crap."
"Fraggle, get serious!"
"I am serious. Imagine whit a herd of alien cows could dae to the city! No, no, I'm not cleaning that up fer anyone!"
Quenderra considered what Fraggle had just said. "Yeah," she agreed. "Me, neither... So we know there's goo involved, but what does a writer for a TV show, a few fans who built their own gizmos, and the owner of a TV channel have in com--oh, god."
"What?" Fraggle and Kass demanded at the same time.
"They're all involved with science fiction!" Quen exclaimed. "Joe writes it, Tahalnid owns a channel that plays it, and the Superfans acted in some little commercial things to promote it! Oh, this is bad... very not good."
"You have a feeling?" Kassandra asked.
"I don't need a feeling to know this is bad," the blonde asserted. "We have attack of the blue-green goo monster on our favorite show. That equals bad. At this rate... is that David Nykl?? OMG!! You guys! Look! Look--it's David Nykl! Oooo! I bet some of the other actors are here...."
Fraggle grabbed Quenderra by the collar. "Whoa! Hold yer horses there, lass! Get yerself under control for pity's sake! We don't want to be going all gooey eyed and getting nowhere!"
"But...its...Nykl! And there could be Hewlett!"
At the very mention of the name, Fraggle lost her senses, bounced over Quenderra, bypassed Nykl with a wave and ran looking for Hewlett.
"I'm gonna beat yeh to him!" she called back laughing.
"Not fair!" Kass shouted as she watched her two friends, despite trying not to, going all gooey eyed and star struck at the thought of their favorite actors being here.
---
As Kass dashed after her friends in pursuit of their idols (at least the ones involved in Stargate), she ran around a corner in time to see Quenderra disappear. Kassandra let out a gasp.
"FRAGGLE!!!!!" she cried at the top of her lungs. The Scot snapped out of her gooey-eyed state and spun about to face her colleague.
"What?" Fraggle asked in concern. "Where's Quen..?"
"She vanished!" Kass answered in shock. "As in, POOF!" Fraggle jogged back towards her but halted suddenly when she saw something on the ground. Goo. Blue-green goo.
"Great. Just great! What does Quen have to do with all of this?" Fraggle bypassed the goo and took Kass by the arm. "We've gotta make sure all the cast are here--and not just 'cause we wanna meet them." About thirty minutes and the aid of "passes" courtesy of Z revealed that all of the actors were where they were supposed to be (Hewlett had the day off, both fortunately and unfortunately--he was at home). However, some of the lighting and camera crew were missing, along with Martin Gero, the director Martin Wood, a makeup artist, and some of the art and clothing departments.
What did all these people have in common?
“You know, this is suspiciously beginning to look like someone wants to make their own show. Their own Stargate show. Wait a bloody minute, why Quen? Why not the three of us?”
“Oh, Fraggle, tell me you are not getting jealous!”
“No! I mean, what has Quen got in common with the rest? Uh, hold the phone! Quen’s in the middle of writing a Stargate thingy! That’s her connection!”
“But they already have writers!”
“Yeah, but not SSD writers!” Fraggle pressed a few buttons on her WD, and waited.
“Och, come on Z! What do yeh mean you don’t recognize my code! Kass, try yours!”
“Same here. Z won’t tell me anything!”
“So we are one man down, locked out of our bloody computer and I have a major migraine banging like a pipe band behind my left eye! This day can not GET ANY WORSE!”
“Eh, I think it can!” Kass quavered, pointing to the sky. There was a large ship like structure flying overhead, small clouds of purple gas exploding from its exhaust. Every now and again, blue-green goo dropped from the sky.
“I jist hate being in the SSD. You have to clean everyone elses' crap up. Now we gotta clean this up! When this is finished, I’m taking a vacation!” She walked off in a huff, when a bit of goo landed on her head.
“Crap, crap, CRAP! Damn you alien-herbivore-like ship! I’m gonna explode into a tirade in a minute!”
Kass tried not to laugh at Fraggle’s new hairstyle of goop, while trying not to vomit everywhere.
“What do we do now?”
“Och, I jist don’t know. We are gonna have to look for more clues.”
--
After they had cleaned up the mess left by the unidentified ship, Kass and Fraggle stepped through the TDP into Quenderra's room.
"She has something to do with this, right?" Kass had reasoned. "Maybe there's some clues in her dorm room."
"She's moved her bed since we've been here," Fraggle observed. And indeed, the bed had been moved, as it was now perpendicular to the wall instead of horizontal to it. "Wonder which side's the wrong side?" she murmured, looking between the bunks to the other side.
"Quen's getting ready to have a roommate this fall," Kass mentioned.
"Well, the desk and book shelves don't show it--she's still using both sides! What are you doing--don't go through the documents on her computer!"
"The file's labeled 'Stories & Vids'," Kassandra pointed out. "I think she plans on sharing them." The file opened up.
"Look--it's the vid she did for the contest!" Fraggle pointed. "Wait... what's that?"
" 'DIRT 1'."
"Click on it." Kass clicked on the vid and it opened. Quenderra appeared as the media player opened.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Samaris Grant, one of the junior scientists under Dr. McKay..."
"Oh! I've heard about this--there's a collection of corresponding vid-diaries. They've got Rodney, John, Teyla, and a few others. Quen's must be the first one," Kassandra said.
"Did Quen say she wanted to some actin' down the road?" Fraggle asked slowly.
"Yeah, why?" They looked at one another. "Oh."
"I watched the Dirt vids on youtube. They are quite funny, and Quenderra can't half cry! It was like watching Blair Witch at one point! So this is definitely looking like someone is trying to make their own TV show. They have writers, actors, make up, costumes, hell they even have their own bloody fans! But I still cannae work it out. Where the hell can they all be?"
Kass looked at her wrist device again, poking at the screen. "Z is still not talking to us. He said he cannot be bothered to help us."
"Cannae be bothered! I've a good mind to throw him in a cup of coffee and fry his stupid arrogant circuit brain!" The wrist devices began beeping again.
"Z says he would rather you didn't and that he will help us only if we are nice to him."
"Whit? He said whit? Did Quenderra programme Z, or did she buy him from Barmy Hal Bargains! 'cause he must be deluded if he thinks I'm gonna be nice to him."
"Z says he thought you would say something like that."
Fraggle felt a shock jolt up her left arm, and she ripped the device off her wrist. "That wee bugger just tried to electrocute me!" she said, jumping on the spot holding her wrist.
"Z said Hal was his cousin and not to be disrespectful of one of the best computer characters of all time. Apparently, he is quite iconic in computer world."
"I don't care if he is monolithic, I'm not gonnae be nice to that stupid ZZ lose-its-Top. He jist made ma migraine worse!"
"Z said sorry and to put the device back and he will help us."
Fraggle picked up the wrist device and put it back on. No sooner had she fastened the buckle, when another sharp shock ran up her arm. "AAAAoooowww!" she said dancing around holding her arm again.
"He said that was for calling him 'ZZ lose-its-Top' and for being disrespectful toward the bearded group of rockers. But he also said that you are even now, and he will help us."
"He bloody better, or I'm gonna..."
"Fraggle, you are still wearing the device."
"Or I’m gonna jist have to figure it out myself," she finished through gritted teeth, feeling like an ass for falling for the trick.
Kassandra was trying to stifle a laugh, the Scot had a kind heart but a fiery temper, and more often than not, it got her into strife.
"Now, Z the almighty wrist computer. Tell us whit yeh can about the flying stink heap we saw earlier dropping goop like poop."
Another surge of electricity flew up Fraggle's arm.
"WHIT DID I DO THAT TIME!"
"Oh, he said sorry, he was just flattered at being called almighty and got a little excited."
The dark cloud above Fraggle did not bode well for Z.
---
Quenderra sat in a make-shift dressing room. The door was open and she watched the goings-on outside the room. Most of the other "actors" (none of which actually were) sat huddled together, whispering amongst themselves. She didn't blame them. They must have been scared out of their wits. Had she not been an SSD agent and in-the-know, she was pretty sure she would be, also. Quenderra groaned at the thought of having to zap all these people with a memory-eraser. What a pain, yet a necessary evil. She rose to her feet and exited the room with the intent of finding Joe Mallozzi.
"Where are you going?" one of the guards--a huge, bluish (though, not the same blue as the goo) brute with terrible breath and warts--bawled. "You can't come over here." Quenderra leveled one of her 'seriously-not-amused-aren't-you-aware-I-own-the-world' looks on him.
"Excuse me?" she demanded with raised eyebrows. "I'm one of the stars, am I not? If I'm going to be one of the stars, I want to talk to the writers. So, kindly step aside. Thank you." She pushed past him and he watched after her in shock. He hadn't thought she looked so vivacious. The blonde entered the writers' area a moment later.
"Look, you got to be kidding--do you know how long it takes to write a..." Joe Mallozzi trailed off as he realized that the being that entered was not one of their captors. "Oh, hello."
"Hi," Quenderra took in the scene: Joe was seated among a collection of loose papers--most of which were blank--glaring at them in frustration, somebody had doodled on the white board (yes, an actual white board on an alien ship), and Martin Gero was looking around the room in utter fascination not unlike that of a child in a toy factory.
"Oh, hey," he distractedly directed at Quen. "You're one of the actors right?" Quenderra blushed.
"Yeah," she said. "Yeah, I am...." she shook her head and settled down to business. "But I'm also here to rescue you. I'm a member of the SSD and we take care of situations like this all the time. Actually, usually they're worse.... but, yeah."
"You?" Joe asked, bemused. "Not to sound skeptical, but how exactly do you plan on doing that?" Quen bit back a defensive retort.
"Help me find my stuff?" she requested instead. "I had some equipment on me." Mallozzi motioned at a box across the room that was full of miscellaneous items: hats, wallets, etc.
"They put everything they thought might be good for a prop in that trunk," he told her.
"I already dug my stuff out," Martin added. "I could help you, though. What're you looking for?"
"One looks like an iPod and the other is a wristband," Quen answered. The three of them rummaged through the items for a bit.
"Oh, here's an iPod," Joe handed it to her. Excitedly, she tried to pull out the keypad. She tossed it aside.
"Wrong one," she sighed.
"This your wristband?" Gero asked.
"Yes! Thank you!" Quen returned it to her wrist. A moment later, the RD turned up. "Ziggy," she murmured as she typed a command into the device, "send the others."
<Shh!> appeared on the screen. <I am pinpointing your locale...>
"Z," she spoke into her WD, "You don't have to pinpoint my location, just tell them to travel through the TDP to where the beacon is." She activated the locater beacon on the RD--a signal too weak to be caught on any sensors but strong enough to be pinpointed by the TDP.
<With 30 more minutes,> Z protested, <I could have your location.>
"Ziggy, please... If they don't hurry, I'm gonna be wearing a ridiculous costume playing 'damsel in distress'...."
- - -
"Hey! Z wis jist nice to me!"
"What did he say?"
"He gave me the co-ordinates fer a beacon that Quen jist activated. The TDP will take us right to her!"
"See, if you are just nice to him, he will be nice to you. Oh, he just gave me the co-ordinates, lets go!"
The TDP opened up and they both stepped in. Fraggle was following Kassandra, and could see her twist to the left in the vortex, but she just kept going forward.
"Whit the...!"
SPLASH! Cold, salty water exploded around her, she threw her arms around in shock, spitting water out of her mouth and trying not to snort the wet stuff. When she finally calmed down, she found herself in the middle of the ocean, the large ship hovering in the sky far above her.
"ZIGGY! I'm gonna tear out yer wires you carnaptious wee crap!" A buzzing emitted from the wrist device that sounded very like electronic laughter.
- - -
Quenderra and Kass turned round to see what the wet sound coming from the TDP was. Both steeled their faces as much as they could when a soaking wet Fraggle stepped dripping from the vortex.
"Quen, where the hell did yeh buy Z from? A Computers Against Humans convention!?"
"Eh, what happened to you?" Quen asked as a small snigger exploded from KAss.
"Fraggle has been having problems with Z all day!" Kassandra laughed.
"This is no' funny! Whit if I had landed in space or something!"
"I don't think Z would be that cruel!" Quen said, laughing uncontrollably.
But Z just laughed his electronic laugh. "Don't give him bloody ideas lass!"
"Right then, whit is going on here then?" Fraggle said as she wiped herself down with a piece of cloth from the costume box. "Yeh must be Mallozzi? And Gero, right?" she said shaking their hands in turn with a firm grip.
Quenderra let out a sigh. That, in and of itself, didn't necessarily mean anything, as she tended to sigh for every occasion and non-occasion. But the tone of this particular sigh alerted her friends to the fact that the blonde intended to speak straight through until she was finished regardless of the length of what she had to say. They hoped what she had to say wasn't too long.
"Okay," Quenderra began, "It would seem that Vhir Plhonc has taken a liking to Earth television programming. He is one of the big shots amongst the Xur--the blue people--who are from the planet Kaida about 70 light years opposite Alpha Centari from Earth. Now, trust me, when I say you should see some of their programming, unless you enjoy the sound of nails on a chalkboard, that statement is absolutely not true. Theoretically, their programming is so terrible because they haven't grasped the concept that good TV takes time to produce--seriously, they think a whole season of Stargate can be filmed in less than 24 hours. So, Plhonc decided that if he had humans from Earth, he could make some of the great quality stuff he sees when he's on vacation in our galaxy every year. He's got Joe and Martin writing, the Superfans constructing the set, a handful of would-be actors including myself, and an assortment of other folks. Oh, and he abducted Martin Wood, also." She took a deep breath.
"Why didn't he take some of the actors?" Kass wanted to know.
"Oh, the 'Gates are his favorite shows," Quen answered. "He didn't want to interfere with filming. Don't ask why he believed it'd work out if he took some of the crew, though."
"Why don't they just watch Earth programming, then?" Fraggle wanted to know.
"Ah--no reception to Kaida. But if we could locate about two or three junked-up satellites and recalibrate them, I think we could make a deal," Quen suggested, then added, desperately, "Please say we can figure out something like that--Plhonc wants me to play a role that will ruin any possible career that I could ever possibly want to pursue!"
“Hey! Junkers are whit we are good at!” Fraggle exclaimed. She pulled at the FTF from her combat trousers and switched it on. “Lets see whit we can do.” She sat cross-legged on the floor with her back to the others, Z was buzzing away like an angry hornet on Fraggle’s wrist.
“Not now Z, let me concentrate.” But Z continued to buzz at her, so she ignored him, and the noise behind her.
“There!” she said looking at the FTF screen. “That would be perfect for the …” She stopped talking as she noticed some blue goo dripping onto her beloved FTF. She closed her eyes for a second, really hoping that it was not what she thought it was. She reached her hand behind her and quickly withdrew as wet slime covered her hand.
“Eugh! Now that’s jist gross!” she said as she tightened her body to fight. A huge, soggy dripping hand landed on her head and pulled her from the floor into the air and held her dangling. “So why did naebody warn me!” She asked as she was being turned around to face her captor.
“Because there is no one here to warn you.” The voice was spluttering and wet sounding, and when she saw her captor she could see why. The huge blue warty-face was seeping fluid like sweat, creating the blue goo which dripped down the front of its ugly butt face.
“Och it jist gets worse!” she said trying to avoid the spatters of goo as the Xur spoke.
“The others were transported from here and are now on set. But you should not be here, you are not on the list of staff or visitors,” it spat, then wiped its mucky chin. Fraggle could just make Kassandra out, hiding behind a tall pillar like structure. This was embarrassing and very painful, and that made Fraggle angry. Again.
The Scot spoke thickly in her native and fast talking tongue, hoping to confuse the big Xur. (She did not use it often, as people found it hard to understand at times.)
“Och, yeh know fans! We wuid dae jist ‘boot anythin’ bar nowt tae see our favourite show bein made! There’s nae need tae be gangin intae a rager, o’er it ya big glaikit numpty! And by the way, that drool is clatty yeh know, makes me wanna throw!” she said pointedly while gesturing to Kassandra.
“Throw what!” Kass mouthed. There was nothing to throw at the Xur, so that idea was out the window.
“And if Ah hid a face like yer’s, I wid hide it, gien its so ugly! And yer mingin intae the bargain!”
“Translation,” a small voice came from a pocket on the Xur’s jacket. Oh no! Fraggle thought.
“Oh, you know what fans are like. We would do just about anything except nothing to see our favourite show being made. There is no need to get angry about it, you huge stupid idiot. And your secretions are filthy don’t you know, they make me want to vomit. And if I had a face like yours, I would hide it. Given that it is so ugly. And you smell awful, also.”
Translation complete, Fraggle could feel the trembling rage in the Xur’s arm that held her by the head from the floor. Thinking fast, she shouted at Z.
“Z! Your cousin Hal wis nothing more than a stupid handful of dodgy micro chips!” Z buzzed and beeped obscenities at Fraggle and burst a shock through the wrist device. But Fraggle had taken the wrist device off and sat it on top of the Xur’s head. The Xur shook and buzzed and dropped Fraggle to the floor. The wrist device toppled from the Xur’s head as he fell backwards, Fraggle grabbed it.
“Ta Z! I didnae mean that ‘boot yer cousin!” she said as she ran, forgetting to switch to more understandable talk. Z said he thought that it was a trick and that he understood. Kass and Fraggle ran through the studio ship looking for Quen and the others, hoping that the big Xur would be out of it for a while
- - -
"Oh, Zlanther!" Quenderra cried out in a mixture of adoration and relief, meanwhile nearly choking on the words. Zlanther nervously took her into his arms.
"Giti, my love," he said, a bit flatly, "I have rescued you"
"Oh, Zlanther! How every atom in my bosom quivers!" Quenderra let out a odd strangled sound as she pushed Zlanther aka Michael away. Turning to glare at the on-looking Xur, she rested her hands on her hips. "Alright!" she declared. "This is absolutely absurd--and I mean that in the absolute worst way possible! I demand to speak to Vhir Phlonc, immediately!!" Of all the things Quenderra could be, she could pull off intimidating frighteningly well when she put her mind to it, which she was at the moment. She angry AND humiliated--a potentially dangerous combo.
"He's busy!" bawled on of the 'producers'. The blonde thought they sounded not unlike a bunch of livestock with the ability to speak. Martin Wood, who was directing, was very obviously amused by the situation. At that moment, she could have strangled him--along with Martin Gero who was back by Joe trying not to laugh and failing quite miserably. In fact, Mallozzi also had a suspicious smirk on his face.
"I don't care if he's busy!" Quen sassed. "I wanna speak to the brute!" Said brute entered the large room seconds later. Vhir Phlonc was a giant of a Xur (and they were pretty large as it was) and his superior cleanliness and shrewd demeanor only added to his power of intimidation. Quenderra's first thought was, "Um...." followed an empty-brained moment later by: "Oooh crap!!!"
- - -
“Why did you knock him out? He might have been helpful!” Kass said as they ran.
“It might’ve escaped yer attention, but he had me by the heid and wis crushing my bloody skull!” Fraggle said as she ran, looking at her wrist device. She and Kass followed Z's directions and stumbled into a huge cavernous part of the ship, which was the set. Quen was saying her lines, really awful cringe-worthy lines and getting mad about them. Fraggle could not help but smile and Kass was just holding in laughter when the biggest Xur they had seen yet walked into the room.
"Quen dear," he drawled. "What is the matter, you little prima donna you?"
Fraggle stifled a snigger. “Quen, a prima donna! There is an understatement!” she whispered to Kass.
“Listen to who’s talking!” Kass sniggered back, Fraggle raised her eyebrows in mock shock.
“I am NOT saying these lines! They are so embarrassing, not to mention cheesy and dated!”
“But these are the lines I had written especially for you! They suit your lovely character to a T, and you say them so well!” His attempts to flatter her fell on deaf ears.
“No way Phlonc, I am definitely NOT going any further with this shambles! Everyone is laughing at me!” All the others looked away to hide their smirks and smiles, Mallozzi had a sudden attack of coughing and Gero was having trouble keeping his face straight as his shoulders shook with mirth. Vhir Phlonc stared at everyone, and seemed to swell in size. His body appeared to grow upwards and outwards, giving him a terribly intimidating aura. His eyes were closed and his breathing deep and long.
Fraggle had readied a little weapon from her combats, pointing it straight at Vhir’s head. But instead of exploding into a rage, Vhir Phlonc began to emit a guttural animalistic sound, and it took a short while before people realized he was actually laughing. Within minutes, the room was full of laughter, no one could control themselves any longer. Even Quenderra’s stony face appeared to have softened at the noise, but she remained silent and in control.
“Oh, my dear Quen! You have told me a truth that my romantic heart did not allow me to see! Yes, the lines are awful, are they not! I will get onto re-writing your lines at once!” Vhir clicked his fingers once and a smaller Xur that appeared to be a female, popped up beside him in a poof of stinky purple gas.
“Miss Bleugh, I would like Quenderra’s part in the script written again, into a more…up to date and 'with it' edge to it!”
“Oh, yes, Mr Xur! Right away, Mr Xur!" she simpered and disappeared into another stinking cloud of gas that left everyone coughing.
“So, what do we do while we wait?” Quen asked, her arms folded in front of her. “Can we not go back to our own work? Our own lives? I mean it could take days or weeks to write the whole script again!”
“Oh, no, dear Quenderra, you simply have to stay here at my hospitality. I need you all to stay until the very end! The script will be finished within the hour!”
“Hour!” Quenderra squawked in surprise.
“Oh yes, we Xur’s are frighteningly quick at writing, that’s why we can get so many shows out to the public in one day!”
“Yeah, and from what I’ve heard, pretty crap ones at that!” Fraggle whispered to Kass.
“We also have extremely fantastic hearing abilities! So whoever you are over there, behind the lovely maroon curtain, please wait there until my guards come to get you. Perhaps I should have also said that the Xur are very private people and regard trespassing as one of the highest dishonours!” He smiled, though it was obvious that he was very angry.
Fraggle and Kass looked at each other, wondering if they should just walk out or wait as he had said. Their decision was made for them when two massive wet slimy hands clamped onto their heads and lofted them into the air.
"Wait a doggone minute!" Quenderra shouted, noticing her friends' plight. "First off--let them go! They are my friends and you will receive no cooperation from me unless you do. And second--Fraggle's right. Your programming from Kaida is terrible. Isn't that why you come here every year? To see our programming? Isn't that why you're doing this cheesy Star Skip show with human actors? Because you think it'll be better?
"With respect, Phlonc--it isn't just the actors that make the show. It's the careful thought put into the script--ask either of these gentlemen," she motioned at Mallozzi and Gero, "writing a script takes time. It also takes time to film the show. What you can watch in a day takes months to prepare. Your stuff has potential, sir... it just needs more time to develop. And you don't need us.
"But if you do want some human programming, me and my friends--the ones your guards are hurting!--can set up a few satellites that will allow you get reception on Kaida. Please."
All eyes turned to Vhir Phlonc.
Phlonc must have signalled the guards, though no one saw it, as the guards let go of the two twisting SSD agents from a small height. Fraggle and Kass yelped as their posteriors bumped onto the floor, none too happy at the pain in the ass.
“You are right, of course.” Phlonc said with a sigh. “Our ratings are going downhill. TV stations are closing all over the planet, as subscriptions are not coming in. My once beautiful state-of-the-art Set Ship is falling apart.”
“State-of–the-Fart more like,” Fraggle mumbled as she rubbed her sore butt, remembering the gaseous explosions of purple from the ships exhausts. Phlonc chose to ignore her.
“I needed your help. I thought maybe I could open up a new revenue, a brand new series to revolutionise our media on Kaida. I must admit, I still need your help, but you can not leave until I get what I need.”
“Well, Mr Phlonc, I may have jist whit yeh need,” Fraggle said as she got to her feet awkwardly and took the FTF from her combats.
“I designed this earlier, jist before yer muckle great guard grabbed me by the heid.”
“Yes I am sorry about that. Shanud has been trained in the more brutal skill of attack first, ask questions later.”
“Yeah, yeh don’t say. Anyhoo. I calculated the distance to Kaida, the speed of the selected frequency and so forth, and have came up wi’ this,” she said, passing the FTF to Phlonc, despite her OCD crying out about the goopy hands. Her OCD would play up havoc now!
“Mmmm, interesting.” Phlonc said, muttered as he looked over the schematics. The satellites were little more than standard earth satellites, but with the improvement from the KoT, they were more than up to the job.
“Well, whit dae yeh think?” Fraggle asked.
"Hmm..." Phlonc said. "That would give us your programming, but wouldn't do much to help our own."
"I believe I can help with that," a familiar voice spoke up.
"Tally!" Quenderra exclaimed.
"Ulgh--it's PF Romeo," Fraggle muttered. Tahalnid KuRo shot a grin at Quenderra before addressing Vhir Phlonc
"Since I've come to Earth, I have been in every field in the industry," he told him. "I would be willing to return with you to Kaida and help you set up a studio much like the ones here on Earth. How's that?"
"Won't you be missed?" Phlonc asked. Tahalnid laughed.
"Not so much," came the response. "I'm the man behind the curtain, as Earthlings say. It has to be that way--I'm a planetary foreigner."
"I knew there was something different about you," Vhir said. He shifted his gaze towards the SSD agents, then back again. "It's a deal!" he declared. "You're all free to go--immediately!"
Vhir handed the FTF back to Fraggle, who shuddered at the slime on it. She did not mind slime, but if there was any on her things it freaked her out. She would be cleaning it for days now!
"If you would like to make your way to the exits, we will let you get back to your lives. Oh, and Quen dear, can I have a word?" Vhir said as everyone followed the two guards to the exits.
"You are wonderful you know, wonderful actress! I would like to hope that you will come to Kaida one day and star in a one off show!" Vhir flattered her. Fraggle stopped in her tracks and hauled Kassandra behind another curtain.
"I don't believe it! Is she jist throwing trans-species pheromones around the place, coz Vhir is acting aufy like Tahalnid!"
And then Tahalnid started. "Quen, really, you must come and visit some time. My text messages won't be able to travel the distances, and I will miss you the most!"
"No Tahalnid, I believe I will miss her the most. I completely appreciate everything about her." Vhir said.
"Uh, can I get back to you on that," Quen said, as she slowly walked away from them. "It really is a nice notion to come visit and all, but I don't think I will have the time, being an intergalactic, trans-dimensional space hero and all that!"
“Of course, of course, whatever you decide will be okay with us!” they both simpered as she made her way towards the exits.
Fraggle and Kassandra stepped up and walked beside her.
“Quen?”
“No Fraggle, not discussing it right now.”
“I only wanna ask yeh…”
“Nope. Not right now, not in the mood.”
“Hold up there, Giti, my love!” Fraggle said as Quenderra walked quicker in front of her. “Exactly how dae we actually get outta this stinking cesspit anyway?” Fraggle’s question was answered by a grab of the head by the nearest guard. It was the one she set Z to electrocute, and he looked at her with glee.
“Going down!” he said cheerily, then stuffed her in a small hole filled with goop.
“Eugh! Yeuck!” Grunts of disgust could be heard from lots of little holes in the walls of the ship as the captives were thrown into the gooey confined space. There came a whooshing sound and the other end of the holes opened, shooting the captives through the air in a ball of blueish goo. They seemed to fly forever within their personal stinky shield, when they all splattered to the ground in front of Bridge Studios.
“Well that was different!” Kassandra said stepping from the goo with a far away look on her face. “Did you see it? All the blue…blue…”
“Oh crap!” Fraggle said running to her. “Big, deep breaths, lass--big, deep breaths! There is no’ goo anywhere near yeh! Find yer zone Kass, find yer lovely quiet zone and take big, deep breaths!” Fraggle said, pulling a stringy piece of goo from her hair. After a short while, Kassandra had started to calm down but could not look at the goo, keeping her head high and staring at the sky instead. Everyone stood covered in blue slime, shuddering with nausea.
“Well, that is some fancy transportation they got there!” Fraggle said as she attempted to rub some slime from herself.
“Well, at least we are all back safe and sound!” Quen said cheerfully.
“Yeah, ‘bout that. Did yeh ever buy any o’ that Scent Of poweR shampoo fae Shimpy Shop on Main Street?”
“Uh, yeah, it’s my favorite.”
“Ah, thought so!” Fraggle smiled and turned to help Kass into a TDP.
“What do you mean 'thought so', what are you talking about?” Quen asked hurrying after them.
“Thank you!” a voice came from behind them. Joe Mallozzi waved a hand at the fleeing SSD agents. “Come back and visit us anytime!”
Gero looked at Mallozzi. “Can you imagine, the fate of two universes are often placed in that lots hands?” He asked.
“Makes me shudder to think of it, actually!” Mallozzi said, shuddering. “Let’s go and get this slime off and start writing about this. This is GOLD!”
The TDP deposited them in HQ once more, and Fraggle steered Kassandra to the bathroom, where she gave her a new set of clothes and turned on the shower for her.
“She should be okay, now,” she commented to Quen.
“Why were you asking about my shampoo?” Quen asked, puzzled.
“Nothing, jist wondered.” Fraggle said with a hint of a snigger as she made coffee.
“No, Fraggle, what did you mean?”
“Och, come off it, Quen! Scent Of poweR? Never wondered why the R is capitalised instead of the P in power?”
“Eh….”
“What is poweR in reverse?”
“Weakness?.”
“NO! Rewop! And who is Rewop??”
Quen’s eyes opened wide in shock and recognition.
“Ewgh! Yeuck! No way!” she cried out.
“Yip, way!”
“What are you two talking about?” Kassandra asked, returned to normal and drying her hair with a towel.
“Well, Quenderra here uses the lovely Scent Of poweR shampoo range.”
“NO WAY!” Kassandra giggled with glee. “That would explain it all! Rewop Merfer. There is a name from the past! Remember the first time we were sent after him!” Kassandra said with a shake of the head. “Never did figure out why we were all fighting over him, until we opened that door to the factory!”
Quenderra groaned and left the room for a shower.
“Yeah, I remember! I nearly took yer heid off tryin’ tae get tae him first! Completely out of control!”
“Poor Quen! She had no idea?”
“Nope!”
Just then, the bathroom door opened and three bottles of shampoo were unceremoniously thrown out.
- - -
Epilogue
Quenderra let out a long sigh as she finally stepped from the HQ bathroom. Fraggle had finally had to return to her own abode to get into the shower there since the blonde was taking so long.
"And here I thought I was just a pretty decent flirt," she chuckled to Z. "I'm telling you, though, it's all Suave and Vo5 from now on--no more experimental stuff." The computer's screen blinked several times as Quenderra took a seat in a nearby chair.
"I heard you and Fraggle were at it," she said, leveling the computer with a pointed glance.
<...are you angry?> Z wanted to know.
"Nah, Ziggy, no--I'm just sad the two of you can't get along," the blonde told him. "Fraggle was pretty ticked, though."
<So?> Ziggy could not see how that mattered.
"So, you should try to get along with all of us! Ziggs, honestly, she was so mad she wanted me to send you back."
<You wouldn't?!>
"If you keep misbehaving, I might have to. Look, you can't shock SSD agents through the wrist devices, okay?"
The screen blinked once. <OK.>
"Alright, I gotta head back home, now, alright?" Quenderra rose to leave.
<To Collene?> Ziggy asked.
"Hey," the blonde said gently, placing the hand on the side of Z's monitor, "Collene's a microchip compared to you. And you don't give me half the problems she does." She held up the RD as the TDP activated. "Play us some good music, okay? I'll see you tomorrow. Good night, Ziggy." She entered the portal as music began to play. Ziggy hummed mechanically along for a moment.
<Good night, Quenderra,> he typed to the empty room. The screen grew dark as the computer shut down the majority of his systems. The blonde would return. She was his friend and he was important to her...
-
End.
- - -
Almost two months had passed and life had temporarily settled down. Quenderra was finally on break from college so she could spend some extra time each day thinking. Added to her list of things to think about and read that July were witty saying and riddles.
"What?!" she had exclaimed when she'd heard about what had taken place. "I was speaking in riddles? Impossible!! Trust me, I'm not that clever!" The blonde didn't remember that part of the ordeal and probably never would, but the details were killing her. "How can I be so smart when I'm half there and so dense when I'm not?" she often asked herself.
-
Now, there are several peculiarities about the different realities. The SSD, of course, were only able to affect the occurrences in two of them (as far as they knew). In the one, the SGC, Atlantis, wraith, and everything else actually existed. In the other, the one in which the SSD agents lived, the Stargate program simply didn't exist--no gate, no Atlantis, no goa'uld, wraith, etc. In the agents' reality, Stargate was a TV show with actors that looked shockingly like the real people in the other reality. There were some differences between the shows and the reality they were based off of...
"What is an Ori?" Vala had asked, while Daniel had wanted to know, "You mean, we finally found all the Ba'als?"
... and...
"Whaddaya mean I'm dead?? They actually killed me, then?" Carson had gasped in horror. "Bloody Americans!!!"
"Just remember, Carson," Quenderra had patted his shoulder sympathetically. "It was the Canadians that did it."
However, just because the Stargate program and its whole deal didn't exist in their Home Reality (Quen had insisted on naming it), didn't mean that the people of the SSD's Earth were justified in their collectively arrogant notion that they were alone in the galaxy. Oh, no, no, no. It was just that most of the "aliens" in their reality chose to keep a safe distance, watching unseen from their ships. Alien abductions were very rare, as said aliens kept to themselves and allowed the puny human race keep to itself. Well, except for those that had taken up residence on the Earth.
In fact, the owner of Sci Fi was a planetary foreigner (PF), as they preferred to be called. He found what his human minions came up greatly amusing, as most of it was so entirely off, it'd make his great-great-grandmother choke in her grave. Probably his great-grandmother, too, if she weren't still alive. What wasn't so off was like a visit home to him, which, coincidentally, was also quite amusing. Sometimes that man laughed too much. He had not had anything to do with the Spacey Award kidnapping of David Hewlett, however. That had been a different alien (they're only called PF's if they've taken up residence).
But this time, the SSD computer (a nice, new, complex machine which which the name-fiend Quenderra had dubbed "Ziggy" a la Quantum Leap; which ironically, was real in the Stargate reality) didn't inform them that any of the Stargate personnel were in trouble (via their new wrist devices), nor was it any of the actors. No. This time it was one of the writers. One whom Quenderra had decidedly decided that she liked.
This time, Joe Mallozzi was missing.
- - -
Fraggle's gun emptied round after round into the chest of her latest victim. When she was sure he was dead, she walked calmly away to get a glass of water, returning to find her next victim. Sweat beaded on her forehead from the exertion of the last kill, and she wondered if the next victim would be so hard to chase down.
The TDP appeared behind her, and she wished that Ziggy would give her 5 more minutes to kill the next guy, then save the game on the memory card of her new V.R game console. But no such luck, she would have to start the level again when she returned. Taking off the head set, she stepped into the TDP with a scowl.
"Whit now!" she whined as she slumped down in a chair in the SSD HQ, rubbing at a scar on her arm. "As if another 5 minutes would’ve mattered, It’s taken me days to get to that bloody level in the game!" She mumbled.
"Oh nice to see you too!" Quenderra said handing Fraggle her new black wrist device.
"Sorry, but dae yeh know how long it’s taken me to get to that bloody level? I'm tellin' yeh, ages it took, ages!" Fraggle said as she put on the device.
"Why didn't you save it?" Quen asked, walking over to the computer.
"What!?...Why didn't I...what...och!" Fraggle said exasperated. “Whit’s the matter now anyway? Whit pulled me away from my recuperation, I wis enjoying mysel!” She moaned, but didn’t really mean it, she knew there would be a good reason, there would be hell to pay otherwise.
“Joe Mallozzi has gone missing.” Quenderra announced.
Fraggle burst out laughing, which resulted in a sharp pain in her side from her healing rib cage.
“Yeah right! As if Joe would disappear halfway through writing and filming the new season! Hang about, that is quite odd!” She suddenly realized it could spell trouble. “What’s the story? Anyone demanded anything, any clues?”
"Well," said Quenderra, "according to Ziggy--"
"Ziggy?" Kass interjected.
"Ziggs..."
"Ziggs??" Fraggle made a face. Neither were as excited about the name as Quenderra was.
"Fine! Z--can we all live with that?" the blonde demanded.
"Oh, yeah." "Sure." her friends answered, suddenly agreeable again. Quen sighed, then laughed.
"Anyhow," she continued, "according to Z, there has been no demands made nor any clues left. He simply vanished. However, Z is of the opinion that it's some form of alien abduction... he, uh, he thinks Mallozzi ticked off a PF with something he wrote. In any case, we need to find Joe and get him back to work as soon as possible. If he's gone too long, season 4 of Atlantis might have to be delayed--that would make for a lot of unhappy fans."
"Yeah, no kidding," Kassandra murmured, images of revolting mobs swarming the Bridge Studios. She shook the thought from her head.
"Where should we start?" Fraggle asked, wanting to get the mission over and done with so she could return to her game.
"Um..." Quenderra typed something into the keypad of her remote device (RD). It looked like an iPod, except it had a miniature keypad that could be pulled out and rotated for convenience. Though, it did double as an MP3 player--only it didn't ever need new batteries and Quen had all her songs and whatnot stored on Z's back-up, back-up hard drive. "Z thinks we should first talk to Tahalnid."
"Who?" Fraggle wanted to know.
"Oh--the PF who owns Sci Fi," Kass supplied. "The one Quen flirts with shamelessly."
"Oh," said the Scot. They both looked at the blonde.
"What?" she demanded. "He flirts with me first!"
"Okay. I seem to remember a certain other PF that yeh flirted with. The one that took yer flirting as a sign of...."
"OKAY! Do not go there Fraggle!" Quenderra laughed embarrassed.
"Well, I'm jist saying, yeh cannae be too careful when other species and cultures are concerned!" Fraggle sniggered.
"Yeah, did he ever get back in touch with you?!" Kassandra laughed.
"How was I to know that my flirting would trigger his arms to do that! I'm not discussing it any further you two! Back to the mission at hand!" Quen's face told the others the joke was over. "Anyway, he didn't look alien, or PF. He looked human. I didn't know he wasn’t," she added after a few moments.
"Whit gave it away in the end?" Fraggle said innocently. “The fact that two new arms appeared, or the fact his ears were on the wrong way!” She almost didn’t finish the sentence for the explosion of laughter that burst from her face. Kassandra spat her drink over herself, and Quen eventually started laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing.
“Hey that’s not fair, his hair covered his ears, I did not see them! That’s the last time I go out for a drink with you two, to some new club!” she laughed.
The laughter died when the three new wrist devices began emitting an ear piercing beeping.
“It's talking about yer friend at Sci Fi, yes?” Fraggle looked at Quen. “This is not good at all.”
Kass looked worriedly at her two friends having been pulled through the TDP almost unknowingly in her half awake state that she seemed to reside in most days.
"Tahalnid's missing?" Quenderra echoed in surprise. "And we were about to go talk to him. That can't be a coincidence... Something’s going on here."
"Yeah--that's why we're here," Fraggle reminded her. "Mallozzi was missing first, remember?"
"But why?" the blonde posed the question. "Why Mallozzi and then Tahalnid? What do they possibly have in common??" Quen looked from one to the other. Kassandra blinked.
"Don't look at me," she murmured, "I dunno..."
The wrist devices shrill beep filled the air again.
"Och, come ON! Whit now!" Fraggle examined the incoming text.
<Sorry for the typo...Tahalnid missing YOU...please respond.> Z told them.
"That silly, sneaky bugger! He's jist wanting to see yeh!" Fraggle stared at Quen.
"He must think I am the only one with a device!" Quen answered, her face as red as beetroot.
"Yeah, well, I'll let him know you're not," Fraggle said furiously typing into the device.
"What are you writing!"
"Nothing much, just letting him know that we are coming to see him about Mallozzi's disappearance."
"Let me see!" Quen said as she grabbed Fraggle's wrist.
"Hey! Watch the sore bits!" Fraggle exclaimed as Quen roughly rubbed a scar.
'Quenderra can't come to her device just now, but as your message came to all our devices..'
"Fraggle!" Quen said as she deleted the line of text.
Kass's dazed look was beginning to disappear as she drank her third coffee. The problem was that she was now getting high on the caffeine, and that did not bode well for the other team members' sanity. It had happened to Fraggle once during a mission, she had drank the entire flask of coffee in one go and jeopardized the mission as she sprung up from cover and began running around shouting like an eejit, to the horrific surprise of the people they were stalking. As it was, they had gotten such a fright at the high Scot, they left their hostages and ran for the hills.
Quenderra actually had a shockingly high immunity to the substance. Kass, on the other hand, she giggled and laughed when she was caffeinated. So this meeting was going to go well.
"Well, lets jist get this whole mission underway. We have tae go see Tahalnid, then I think we should check out Mallozzi's last seen location for clues."
"Right, lets go."
A string of giggles issued from behind them as they were about to step into the TDP.
"Oh fer goodness sake! Come on, Kass, lets go, love!" Fraggle said as she helped the rather high Kass into the TDP.
"Ziggy, you do know you can relay messages to just one wristband, right?" Quenderra asked the computer before following her friends through the portal. The screen blinked blue in acknowledgment. "Better yet, just send my messages to the RD, alright?" 'OK' appeared in large letters. The blonde stepped into the TDP.
---
The TDP deposited the three agents just down the hall from Tahalnid's office. They traversed the few feet separating them from the door and knocked.
"Enter!" a voice beckoned from within. So, they did. "We are absolutely not getting rid of that show! Not if I have anything to say about it," Tahalnid was telling someone on the phone. "It's a great show, it has lots of fans. ... Don't worry--the show has not seen its time. Yes, yes--it'll be on for years more. Okay. Call me later. Alright." He hung up the phone as he turned to face them.
"Quenderra!" the man exclaimed, rising to his feet and extending out his arms.
"Tally!" Quenderra returned with one of her sweetest smiles, giving him a hug.
"Tally?" Fraggle and Kass exchanged looks.
"I have not heard from you in almost four days--I was beginning to get worried," the PF told Quen.
"Oh, well, I've been working," the blonde replied. "I told you I was bad at keeping in touch."
"Yes, but this is me we're talking about!"
"Yeah--my point exactly!" Quenderra fixed him with a challenging look.
"Ouch," Tahalnid said, pressing a hand to his heart--which was actually about mid-abdomen. He turned to Fraggle and Kassandra. "This girl is not so nice, sometimes," he declared. "It's good to see the both of you again, also."
"Almost four days, huh?" Fraggle glanced over at Quen, who just shrugged, though her cheeks were a bit rosy. Tahalnid KuRo (his alien name, not his Earth one) regarded the three agents each in turn.
"This is business, huh? SSD stuff, no?" he deduced.
"Yes, but we all got your touching message. Thank you," the Scot informed him.
"Oh?" he looked questioningly at Quen.
"We've all got wrist devices," she told him.
"Well, I'll have to stop sending love notes, then."
"Tahalnid! Behave!!"
"We're here to investigate the disappearance of Joe Mallozzi," Kass jumped in with a giggle. "I've got a few questions for you..."
"Ohboy," Quenderra murmured. The feeling in her stomach told her that she shouldn't have let Kass have three cups of coffee...
Kass stepped forward, her eyes bouncing around in their sockets, a huge grin on her face.
"JustwonderingthelasttimeyouseenMallozzi!" she garbled out spitfire rapid.
"Kass, can I have a wee word with yeh?" Fraggle said, hauling her out of the room. "Excuse us please!"
"Fraggle! Ialmosthadhim!"
"Yeh, almost had him whit? Deaf? Confused? How many coffee's did yeh have BEFORE yeh came through the TDP?"
"IhadtwobeforeIputmyshoeson. IhadonebeforeenteringtheTDP."
"So, including the three at HQ, ye've had 6 coffee's AND travelled in the TDP in the last two hours?!" Fraggle wondered whether she should take Kass to the hospital. "I've a good mind to boot yer ass! Yeh know better than to travel in the TDP caffeinated out yer head!" But Fraggle calmed down a little when Kass's face dropped almost in tears.
"I'm sorry love! Yeh know I'm only concerned 'bout yeh! Remember the last time?" Fraggle asked putting her arm around Kass's shoulder.
Kass nodded her head, remembering the time she almost caused the Junker to crash while giggling and suffering palpitations from the caffeine. Kass giggled again, she could not help herself. Fraggle looked at Kass's wrist device, which told her that Kass was not in any danger, her heart and vital signs were fine.
"You go and have a wee walk round the building. Better still, see if you can find a human sized hamster wheel and have a wee run in that. I will go help Quen with Mr. Lover Man. Okay? Meet you here in 10 minutes."
Fraggle entered the room, apologizing for Kass not returning with her, but the words caught in her throat.
Quen was staring out of a hole in the wall, looking down the side of the building, a breeze playing with her loose hair.
"Okay. Whit happened here? Where's the PF Romeo gone, then?" Fraggle said as she crossed the room to Quen.
"He's gone. Something pulled him out through this hole." Quen said confused.
"Yeah, okay. Here we are 6 stories high and something came through the damn wall and grabbed Romeo and took him away? Are yeh crazy! This is Earth, not Atlantis!" Fraggle said as she looked out through the hole. She was really getting mad now, not only did this escapade take her away from her game, it was beginning to look like it would do so for quite some time. “Oh jeez, I hope this isn’t anything to do with those Superfans!”
- - -
Several minutes later...
"Well, Quenderra said, consulting the RD, "according to Z," here she grinned, thinking she sounded like Al, "the likelihood that the Superfans have something to do with this whole mess has gone from a 'maybe' to a 'most-definitely-so'. They're also missing."
"What?" Kassandra asked. "Ifthey'regonewhyweren'twenotified??"
"Because, they're fans--not even related to an alien or PF. It's the police's job to go looking for them," Quen explained.
"Except when they're somehow involved with the disappearance of one or more of our people," Fraggle added.
"Precisely. Now, Mallozzi went missing first, then the Superfans, and now Tahalnid. Joe was last seen walking between his car and his office. I think we should start at Bridge Studios..."
- - -
Poor Kass was in such a come down, that she could barely raise a smile by the time reached the studios. "Oh my head!" she moaned.
Fraggle rubbed at her forehead, trying to rub away the migraine starting to set in. The pain behind her left eye was signaling that this one was going to be a sore one. "I jist don’t believe this! Talk about bad timing!" she said hunting through her combats for her Naproxen tablets.
She pulled out the box, finding that she had none left. "Och this day is jist going fae bad tae worse!" She scowled.
"Are you ok Fraggle?" Quen asked turning back to find out what her friend was moaning about his time.
"Me? Aye I'm fine, jist keep going." she said, following Quen.
"So that’s why you have been in such a bad mood," Kass said as she walked past Fraggle. "I warned you about playing those games for as long as you do!" She sniggered.
"Hey! Don't yeh laugh at me, little Miss Coffee Brains!"
"Wait, what is this?" Quen said suddenly stopping and staring at something on the ground.
"I dunno, surprise me." Fraggle moaned.
"It looks like little bit of green goo."
"What!" Kass said stepping backwards into Fraggle.
"Whoa! No way! Surely we are not dealing with the same crew fae the first adventure!"
"Nope, its not that shade of green." Quen said, poking at the goo with a stick. "It's more of a greeny-blue."
"No way am I having anything to do with anymore goo monsters. No, nope, never again!" Kass said instantly starting to hyperventilate.
"Kass, don’t worry. I still have baby wipes in mah pockets!"
"Nope, no good! Every time I see goo now, it makes me sick and everything!"
"Well you better not come any closer." Quenderra warned as she noticed something. "This is bigger than I first thought!"
Fraggle walked over and looked beyond Quen, seeing the massive splat-like goop of blueish goo right in front of one of the parked cars.
"Right then, I suppose yer gonna tell me, that’s Mallozzi's car? Yeah?"
"Eh, yeah. That would be Mallozzi's car."
Fraggle looked up to the sky. "I hope that some alien cow hasn't came through a TDP, coz that’s one big pile of crap."
"Fraggle, get serious!"
"I am serious. Imagine whit a herd of alien cows could dae to the city! No, no, I'm not cleaning that up fer anyone!"
Quenderra considered what Fraggle had just said. "Yeah," she agreed. "Me, neither... So we know there's goo involved, but what does a writer for a TV show, a few fans who built their own gizmos, and the owner of a TV channel have in com--oh, god."
"What?" Fraggle and Kass demanded at the same time.
"They're all involved with science fiction!" Quen exclaimed. "Joe writes it, Tahalnid owns a channel that plays it, and the Superfans acted in some little commercial things to promote it! Oh, this is bad... very not good."
"You have a feeling?" Kassandra asked.
"I don't need a feeling to know this is bad," the blonde asserted. "We have attack of the blue-green goo monster on our favorite show. That equals bad. At this rate... is that David Nykl?? OMG!! You guys! Look! Look--it's David Nykl! Oooo! I bet some of the other actors are here...."
Fraggle grabbed Quenderra by the collar. "Whoa! Hold yer horses there, lass! Get yerself under control for pity's sake! We don't want to be going all gooey eyed and getting nowhere!"
"But...its...Nykl! And there could be Hewlett!"
At the very mention of the name, Fraggle lost her senses, bounced over Quenderra, bypassed Nykl with a wave and ran looking for Hewlett.
"I'm gonna beat yeh to him!" she called back laughing.
"Not fair!" Kass shouted as she watched her two friends, despite trying not to, going all gooey eyed and star struck at the thought of their favorite actors being here.
---
As Kass dashed after her friends in pursuit of their idols (at least the ones involved in Stargate), she ran around a corner in time to see Quenderra disappear. Kassandra let out a gasp.
"FRAGGLE!!!!!" she cried at the top of her lungs. The Scot snapped out of her gooey-eyed state and spun about to face her colleague.
"What?" Fraggle asked in concern. "Where's Quen..?"
"She vanished!" Kass answered in shock. "As in, POOF!" Fraggle jogged back towards her but halted suddenly when she saw something on the ground. Goo. Blue-green goo.
"Great. Just great! What does Quen have to do with all of this?" Fraggle bypassed the goo and took Kass by the arm. "We've gotta make sure all the cast are here--and not just 'cause we wanna meet them." About thirty minutes and the aid of "passes" courtesy of Z revealed that all of the actors were where they were supposed to be (Hewlett had the day off, both fortunately and unfortunately--he was at home). However, some of the lighting and camera crew were missing, along with Martin Gero, the director Martin Wood, a makeup artist, and some of the art and clothing departments.
What did all these people have in common?
“You know, this is suspiciously beginning to look like someone wants to make their own show. Their own Stargate show. Wait a bloody minute, why Quen? Why not the three of us?”
“Oh, Fraggle, tell me you are not getting jealous!”
“No! I mean, what has Quen got in common with the rest? Uh, hold the phone! Quen’s in the middle of writing a Stargate thingy! That’s her connection!”
“But they already have writers!”
“Yeah, but not SSD writers!” Fraggle pressed a few buttons on her WD, and waited.
“Och, come on Z! What do yeh mean you don’t recognize my code! Kass, try yours!”
“Same here. Z won’t tell me anything!”
“So we are one man down, locked out of our bloody computer and I have a major migraine banging like a pipe band behind my left eye! This day can not GET ANY WORSE!”
“Eh, I think it can!” Kass quavered, pointing to the sky. There was a large ship like structure flying overhead, small clouds of purple gas exploding from its exhaust. Every now and again, blue-green goo dropped from the sky.
“I jist hate being in the SSD. You have to clean everyone elses' crap up. Now we gotta clean this up! When this is finished, I’m taking a vacation!” She walked off in a huff, when a bit of goo landed on her head.
“Crap, crap, CRAP! Damn you alien-herbivore-like ship! I’m gonna explode into a tirade in a minute!”
Kass tried not to laugh at Fraggle’s new hairstyle of goop, while trying not to vomit everywhere.
“What do we do now?”
“Och, I jist don’t know. We are gonna have to look for more clues.”
--
After they had cleaned up the mess left by the unidentified ship, Kass and Fraggle stepped through the TDP into Quenderra's room.
"She has something to do with this, right?" Kass had reasoned. "Maybe there's some clues in her dorm room."
"She's moved her bed since we've been here," Fraggle observed. And indeed, the bed had been moved, as it was now perpendicular to the wall instead of horizontal to it. "Wonder which side's the wrong side?" she murmured, looking between the bunks to the other side.
"Quen's getting ready to have a roommate this fall," Kass mentioned.
"Well, the desk and book shelves don't show it--she's still using both sides! What are you doing--don't go through the documents on her computer!"
"The file's labeled 'Stories & Vids'," Kassandra pointed out. "I think she plans on sharing them." The file opened up.
"Look--it's the vid she did for the contest!" Fraggle pointed. "Wait... what's that?"
" 'DIRT 1'."
"Click on it." Kass clicked on the vid and it opened. Quenderra appeared as the media player opened.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Samaris Grant, one of the junior scientists under Dr. McKay..."
"Oh! I've heard about this--there's a collection of corresponding vid-diaries. They've got Rodney, John, Teyla, and a few others. Quen's must be the first one," Kassandra said.
"Did Quen say she wanted to some actin' down the road?" Fraggle asked slowly.
"Yeah, why?" They looked at one another. "Oh."
"I watched the Dirt vids on youtube. They are quite funny, and Quenderra can't half cry! It was like watching Blair Witch at one point! So this is definitely looking like someone is trying to make their own TV show. They have writers, actors, make up, costumes, hell they even have their own bloody fans! But I still cannae work it out. Where the hell can they all be?"
Kass looked at her wrist device again, poking at the screen. "Z is still not talking to us. He said he cannot be bothered to help us."
"Cannae be bothered! I've a good mind to throw him in a cup of coffee and fry his stupid arrogant circuit brain!" The wrist devices began beeping again.
"Z says he would rather you didn't and that he will help us only if we are nice to him."
"Whit? He said whit? Did Quenderra programme Z, or did she buy him from Barmy Hal Bargains! 'cause he must be deluded if he thinks I'm gonna be nice to him."
"Z says he thought you would say something like that."
Fraggle felt a shock jolt up her left arm, and she ripped the device off her wrist. "That wee bugger just tried to electrocute me!" she said, jumping on the spot holding her wrist.
"Z said Hal was his cousin and not to be disrespectful of one of the best computer characters of all time. Apparently, he is quite iconic in computer world."
"I don't care if he is monolithic, I'm not gonnae be nice to that stupid ZZ lose-its-Top. He jist made ma migraine worse!"
"Z said sorry and to put the device back and he will help us."
Fraggle picked up the wrist device and put it back on. No sooner had she fastened the buckle, when another sharp shock ran up her arm. "AAAAoooowww!" she said dancing around holding her arm again.
"He said that was for calling him 'ZZ lose-its-Top' and for being disrespectful toward the bearded group of rockers. But he also said that you are even now, and he will help us."
"He bloody better, or I'm gonna..."
"Fraggle, you are still wearing the device."
"Or I’m gonna jist have to figure it out myself," she finished through gritted teeth, feeling like an ass for falling for the trick.
Kassandra was trying to stifle a laugh, the Scot had a kind heart but a fiery temper, and more often than not, it got her into strife.
"Now, Z the almighty wrist computer. Tell us whit yeh can about the flying stink heap we saw earlier dropping goop like poop."
Another surge of electricity flew up Fraggle's arm.
"WHIT DID I DO THAT TIME!"
"Oh, he said sorry, he was just flattered at being called almighty and got a little excited."
The dark cloud above Fraggle did not bode well for Z.
---
Quenderra sat in a make-shift dressing room. The door was open and she watched the goings-on outside the room. Most of the other "actors" (none of which actually were) sat huddled together, whispering amongst themselves. She didn't blame them. They must have been scared out of their wits. Had she not been an SSD agent and in-the-know, she was pretty sure she would be, also. Quenderra groaned at the thought of having to zap all these people with a memory-eraser. What a pain, yet a necessary evil. She rose to her feet and exited the room with the intent of finding Joe Mallozzi.
"Where are you going?" one of the guards--a huge, bluish (though, not the same blue as the goo) brute with terrible breath and warts--bawled. "You can't come over here." Quenderra leveled one of her 'seriously-not-amused-aren't-you-aware-I-own-the-world' looks on him.
"Excuse me?" she demanded with raised eyebrows. "I'm one of the stars, am I not? If I'm going to be one of the stars, I want to talk to the writers. So, kindly step aside. Thank you." She pushed past him and he watched after her in shock. He hadn't thought she looked so vivacious. The blonde entered the writers' area a moment later.
"Look, you got to be kidding--do you know how long it takes to write a..." Joe Mallozzi trailed off as he realized that the being that entered was not one of their captors. "Oh, hello."
"Hi," Quenderra took in the scene: Joe was seated among a collection of loose papers--most of which were blank--glaring at them in frustration, somebody had doodled on the white board (yes, an actual white board on an alien ship), and Martin Gero was looking around the room in utter fascination not unlike that of a child in a toy factory.
"Oh, hey," he distractedly directed at Quen. "You're one of the actors right?" Quenderra blushed.
"Yeah," she said. "Yeah, I am...." she shook her head and settled down to business. "But I'm also here to rescue you. I'm a member of the SSD and we take care of situations like this all the time. Actually, usually they're worse.... but, yeah."
"You?" Joe asked, bemused. "Not to sound skeptical, but how exactly do you plan on doing that?" Quen bit back a defensive retort.
"Help me find my stuff?" she requested instead. "I had some equipment on me." Mallozzi motioned at a box across the room that was full of miscellaneous items: hats, wallets, etc.
"They put everything they thought might be good for a prop in that trunk," he told her.
"I already dug my stuff out," Martin added. "I could help you, though. What're you looking for?"
"One looks like an iPod and the other is a wristband," Quen answered. The three of them rummaged through the items for a bit.
"Oh, here's an iPod," Joe handed it to her. Excitedly, she tried to pull out the keypad. She tossed it aside.
"Wrong one," she sighed.
"This your wristband?" Gero asked.
"Yes! Thank you!" Quen returned it to her wrist. A moment later, the RD turned up. "Ziggy," she murmured as she typed a command into the device, "send the others."
<Shh!> appeared on the screen. <I am pinpointing your locale...>
"Z," she spoke into her WD, "You don't have to pinpoint my location, just tell them to travel through the TDP to where the beacon is." She activated the locater beacon on the RD--a signal too weak to be caught on any sensors but strong enough to be pinpointed by the TDP.
<With 30 more minutes,> Z protested, <I could have your location.>
"Ziggy, please... If they don't hurry, I'm gonna be wearing a ridiculous costume playing 'damsel in distress'...."
- - -
"Hey! Z wis jist nice to me!"
"What did he say?"
"He gave me the co-ordinates fer a beacon that Quen jist activated. The TDP will take us right to her!"
"See, if you are just nice to him, he will be nice to you. Oh, he just gave me the co-ordinates, lets go!"
The TDP opened up and they both stepped in. Fraggle was following Kassandra, and could see her twist to the left in the vortex, but she just kept going forward.
"Whit the...!"
SPLASH! Cold, salty water exploded around her, she threw her arms around in shock, spitting water out of her mouth and trying not to snort the wet stuff. When she finally calmed down, she found herself in the middle of the ocean, the large ship hovering in the sky far above her.
"ZIGGY! I'm gonna tear out yer wires you carnaptious wee crap!" A buzzing emitted from the wrist device that sounded very like electronic laughter.
- - -
Quenderra and Kass turned round to see what the wet sound coming from the TDP was. Both steeled their faces as much as they could when a soaking wet Fraggle stepped dripping from the vortex.
"Quen, where the hell did yeh buy Z from? A Computers Against Humans convention!?"
"Eh, what happened to you?" Quen asked as a small snigger exploded from KAss.
"Fraggle has been having problems with Z all day!" Kassandra laughed.
"This is no' funny! Whit if I had landed in space or something!"
"I don't think Z would be that cruel!" Quen said, laughing uncontrollably.
But Z just laughed his electronic laugh. "Don't give him bloody ideas lass!"
"Right then, whit is going on here then?" Fraggle said as she wiped herself down with a piece of cloth from the costume box. "Yeh must be Mallozzi? And Gero, right?" she said shaking their hands in turn with a firm grip.
Quenderra let out a sigh. That, in and of itself, didn't necessarily mean anything, as she tended to sigh for every occasion and non-occasion. But the tone of this particular sigh alerted her friends to the fact that the blonde intended to speak straight through until she was finished regardless of the length of what she had to say. They hoped what she had to say wasn't too long.
"Okay," Quenderra began, "It would seem that Vhir Plhonc has taken a liking to Earth television programming. He is one of the big shots amongst the Xur--the blue people--who are from the planet Kaida about 70 light years opposite Alpha Centari from Earth. Now, trust me, when I say you should see some of their programming, unless you enjoy the sound of nails on a chalkboard, that statement is absolutely not true. Theoretically, their programming is so terrible because they haven't grasped the concept that good TV takes time to produce--seriously, they think a whole season of Stargate can be filmed in less than 24 hours. So, Plhonc decided that if he had humans from Earth, he could make some of the great quality stuff he sees when he's on vacation in our galaxy every year. He's got Joe and Martin writing, the Superfans constructing the set, a handful of would-be actors including myself, and an assortment of other folks. Oh, and he abducted Martin Wood, also." She took a deep breath.
"Why didn't he take some of the actors?" Kass wanted to know.
"Oh, the 'Gates are his favorite shows," Quen answered. "He didn't want to interfere with filming. Don't ask why he believed it'd work out if he took some of the crew, though."
"Why don't they just watch Earth programming, then?" Fraggle wanted to know.
"Ah--no reception to Kaida. But if we could locate about two or three junked-up satellites and recalibrate them, I think we could make a deal," Quen suggested, then added, desperately, "Please say we can figure out something like that--Plhonc wants me to play a role that will ruin any possible career that I could ever possibly want to pursue!"
“Hey! Junkers are whit we are good at!” Fraggle exclaimed. She pulled at the FTF from her combat trousers and switched it on. “Lets see whit we can do.” She sat cross-legged on the floor with her back to the others, Z was buzzing away like an angry hornet on Fraggle’s wrist.
“Not now Z, let me concentrate.” But Z continued to buzz at her, so she ignored him, and the noise behind her.
“There!” she said looking at the FTF screen. “That would be perfect for the …” She stopped talking as she noticed some blue goo dripping onto her beloved FTF. She closed her eyes for a second, really hoping that it was not what she thought it was. She reached her hand behind her and quickly withdrew as wet slime covered her hand.
“Eugh! Now that’s jist gross!” she said as she tightened her body to fight. A huge, soggy dripping hand landed on her head and pulled her from the floor into the air and held her dangling. “So why did naebody warn me!” She asked as she was being turned around to face her captor.
“Because there is no one here to warn you.” The voice was spluttering and wet sounding, and when she saw her captor she could see why. The huge blue warty-face was seeping fluid like sweat, creating the blue goo which dripped down the front of its ugly butt face.
“Och it jist gets worse!” she said trying to avoid the spatters of goo as the Xur spoke.
“The others were transported from here and are now on set. But you should not be here, you are not on the list of staff or visitors,” it spat, then wiped its mucky chin. Fraggle could just make Kassandra out, hiding behind a tall pillar like structure. This was embarrassing and very painful, and that made Fraggle angry. Again.
The Scot spoke thickly in her native and fast talking tongue, hoping to confuse the big Xur. (She did not use it often, as people found it hard to understand at times.)
“Och, yeh know fans! We wuid dae jist ‘boot anythin’ bar nowt tae see our favourite show bein made! There’s nae need tae be gangin intae a rager, o’er it ya big glaikit numpty! And by the way, that drool is clatty yeh know, makes me wanna throw!” she said pointedly while gesturing to Kassandra.
“Throw what!” Kass mouthed. There was nothing to throw at the Xur, so that idea was out the window.
“And if Ah hid a face like yer’s, I wid hide it, gien its so ugly! And yer mingin intae the bargain!”
“Translation,” a small voice came from a pocket on the Xur’s jacket. Oh no! Fraggle thought.
“Oh, you know what fans are like. We would do just about anything except nothing to see our favourite show being made. There is no need to get angry about it, you huge stupid idiot. And your secretions are filthy don’t you know, they make me want to vomit. And if I had a face like yours, I would hide it. Given that it is so ugly. And you smell awful, also.”
Translation complete, Fraggle could feel the trembling rage in the Xur’s arm that held her by the head from the floor. Thinking fast, she shouted at Z.
“Z! Your cousin Hal wis nothing more than a stupid handful of dodgy micro chips!” Z buzzed and beeped obscenities at Fraggle and burst a shock through the wrist device. But Fraggle had taken the wrist device off and sat it on top of the Xur’s head. The Xur shook and buzzed and dropped Fraggle to the floor. The wrist device toppled from the Xur’s head as he fell backwards, Fraggle grabbed it.
“Ta Z! I didnae mean that ‘boot yer cousin!” she said as she ran, forgetting to switch to more understandable talk. Z said he thought that it was a trick and that he understood. Kass and Fraggle ran through the studio ship looking for Quen and the others, hoping that the big Xur would be out of it for a while
- - -
"Oh, Zlanther!" Quenderra cried out in a mixture of adoration and relief, meanwhile nearly choking on the words. Zlanther nervously took her into his arms.
"Giti, my love," he said, a bit flatly, "I have rescued you"
"Oh, Zlanther! How every atom in my bosom quivers!" Quenderra let out a odd strangled sound as she pushed Zlanther aka Michael away. Turning to glare at the on-looking Xur, she rested her hands on her hips. "Alright!" she declared. "This is absolutely absurd--and I mean that in the absolute worst way possible! I demand to speak to Vhir Phlonc, immediately!!" Of all the things Quenderra could be, she could pull off intimidating frighteningly well when she put her mind to it, which she was at the moment. She angry AND humiliated--a potentially dangerous combo.
"He's busy!" bawled on of the 'producers'. The blonde thought they sounded not unlike a bunch of livestock with the ability to speak. Martin Wood, who was directing, was very obviously amused by the situation. At that moment, she could have strangled him--along with Martin Gero who was back by Joe trying not to laugh and failing quite miserably. In fact, Mallozzi also had a suspicious smirk on his face.
"I don't care if he's busy!" Quen sassed. "I wanna speak to the brute!" Said brute entered the large room seconds later. Vhir Phlonc was a giant of a Xur (and they were pretty large as it was) and his superior cleanliness and shrewd demeanor only added to his power of intimidation. Quenderra's first thought was, "Um...." followed an empty-brained moment later by: "Oooh crap!!!"
- - -
“Why did you knock him out? He might have been helpful!” Kass said as they ran.
“It might’ve escaped yer attention, but he had me by the heid and wis crushing my bloody skull!” Fraggle said as she ran, looking at her wrist device. She and Kass followed Z's directions and stumbled into a huge cavernous part of the ship, which was the set. Quen was saying her lines, really awful cringe-worthy lines and getting mad about them. Fraggle could not help but smile and Kass was just holding in laughter when the biggest Xur they had seen yet walked into the room.
"Quen dear," he drawled. "What is the matter, you little prima donna you?"
Fraggle stifled a snigger. “Quen, a prima donna! There is an understatement!” she whispered to Kass.
“Listen to who’s talking!” Kass sniggered back, Fraggle raised her eyebrows in mock shock.
“I am NOT saying these lines! They are so embarrassing, not to mention cheesy and dated!”
“But these are the lines I had written especially for you! They suit your lovely character to a T, and you say them so well!” His attempts to flatter her fell on deaf ears.
“No way Phlonc, I am definitely NOT going any further with this shambles! Everyone is laughing at me!” All the others looked away to hide their smirks and smiles, Mallozzi had a sudden attack of coughing and Gero was having trouble keeping his face straight as his shoulders shook with mirth. Vhir Phlonc stared at everyone, and seemed to swell in size. His body appeared to grow upwards and outwards, giving him a terribly intimidating aura. His eyes were closed and his breathing deep and long.
Fraggle had readied a little weapon from her combats, pointing it straight at Vhir’s head. But instead of exploding into a rage, Vhir Phlonc began to emit a guttural animalistic sound, and it took a short while before people realized he was actually laughing. Within minutes, the room was full of laughter, no one could control themselves any longer. Even Quenderra’s stony face appeared to have softened at the noise, but she remained silent and in control.
“Oh, my dear Quen! You have told me a truth that my romantic heart did not allow me to see! Yes, the lines are awful, are they not! I will get onto re-writing your lines at once!” Vhir clicked his fingers once and a smaller Xur that appeared to be a female, popped up beside him in a poof of stinky purple gas.
“Miss Bleugh, I would like Quenderra’s part in the script written again, into a more…up to date and 'with it' edge to it!”
“Oh, yes, Mr Xur! Right away, Mr Xur!" she simpered and disappeared into another stinking cloud of gas that left everyone coughing.
“So, what do we do while we wait?” Quen asked, her arms folded in front of her. “Can we not go back to our own work? Our own lives? I mean it could take days or weeks to write the whole script again!”
“Oh, no, dear Quenderra, you simply have to stay here at my hospitality. I need you all to stay until the very end! The script will be finished within the hour!”
“Hour!” Quenderra squawked in surprise.
“Oh yes, we Xur’s are frighteningly quick at writing, that’s why we can get so many shows out to the public in one day!”
“Yeah, and from what I’ve heard, pretty crap ones at that!” Fraggle whispered to Kass.
“We also have extremely fantastic hearing abilities! So whoever you are over there, behind the lovely maroon curtain, please wait there until my guards come to get you. Perhaps I should have also said that the Xur are very private people and regard trespassing as one of the highest dishonours!” He smiled, though it was obvious that he was very angry.
Fraggle and Kass looked at each other, wondering if they should just walk out or wait as he had said. Their decision was made for them when two massive wet slimy hands clamped onto their heads and lofted them into the air.
"Wait a doggone minute!" Quenderra shouted, noticing her friends' plight. "First off--let them go! They are my friends and you will receive no cooperation from me unless you do. And second--Fraggle's right. Your programming from Kaida is terrible. Isn't that why you come here every year? To see our programming? Isn't that why you're doing this cheesy Star Skip show with human actors? Because you think it'll be better?
"With respect, Phlonc--it isn't just the actors that make the show. It's the careful thought put into the script--ask either of these gentlemen," she motioned at Mallozzi and Gero, "writing a script takes time. It also takes time to film the show. What you can watch in a day takes months to prepare. Your stuff has potential, sir... it just needs more time to develop. And you don't need us.
"But if you do want some human programming, me and my friends--the ones your guards are hurting!--can set up a few satellites that will allow you get reception on Kaida. Please."
All eyes turned to Vhir Phlonc.
Phlonc must have signalled the guards, though no one saw it, as the guards let go of the two twisting SSD agents from a small height. Fraggle and Kass yelped as their posteriors bumped onto the floor, none too happy at the pain in the ass.
“You are right, of course.” Phlonc said with a sigh. “Our ratings are going downhill. TV stations are closing all over the planet, as subscriptions are not coming in. My once beautiful state-of-the-art Set Ship is falling apart.”
“State-of–the-Fart more like,” Fraggle mumbled as she rubbed her sore butt, remembering the gaseous explosions of purple from the ships exhausts. Phlonc chose to ignore her.
“I needed your help. I thought maybe I could open up a new revenue, a brand new series to revolutionise our media on Kaida. I must admit, I still need your help, but you can not leave until I get what I need.”
“Well, Mr Phlonc, I may have jist whit yeh need,” Fraggle said as she got to her feet awkwardly and took the FTF from her combats.
“I designed this earlier, jist before yer muckle great guard grabbed me by the heid.”
“Yes I am sorry about that. Shanud has been trained in the more brutal skill of attack first, ask questions later.”
“Yeah, yeh don’t say. Anyhoo. I calculated the distance to Kaida, the speed of the selected frequency and so forth, and have came up wi’ this,” she said, passing the FTF to Phlonc, despite her OCD crying out about the goopy hands. Her OCD would play up havoc now!
“Mmmm, interesting.” Phlonc said, muttered as he looked over the schematics. The satellites were little more than standard earth satellites, but with the improvement from the KoT, they were more than up to the job.
“Well, whit dae yeh think?” Fraggle asked.
"Hmm..." Phlonc said. "That would give us your programming, but wouldn't do much to help our own."
"I believe I can help with that," a familiar voice spoke up.
"Tally!" Quenderra exclaimed.
"Ulgh--it's PF Romeo," Fraggle muttered. Tahalnid KuRo shot a grin at Quenderra before addressing Vhir Phlonc
"Since I've come to Earth, I have been in every field in the industry," he told him. "I would be willing to return with you to Kaida and help you set up a studio much like the ones here on Earth. How's that?"
"Won't you be missed?" Phlonc asked. Tahalnid laughed.
"Not so much," came the response. "I'm the man behind the curtain, as Earthlings say. It has to be that way--I'm a planetary foreigner."
"I knew there was something different about you," Vhir said. He shifted his gaze towards the SSD agents, then back again. "It's a deal!" he declared. "You're all free to go--immediately!"
Vhir handed the FTF back to Fraggle, who shuddered at the slime on it. She did not mind slime, but if there was any on her things it freaked her out. She would be cleaning it for days now!
"If you would like to make your way to the exits, we will let you get back to your lives. Oh, and Quen dear, can I have a word?" Vhir said as everyone followed the two guards to the exits.
"You are wonderful you know, wonderful actress! I would like to hope that you will come to Kaida one day and star in a one off show!" Vhir flattered her. Fraggle stopped in her tracks and hauled Kassandra behind another curtain.
"I don't believe it! Is she jist throwing trans-species pheromones around the place, coz Vhir is acting aufy like Tahalnid!"
And then Tahalnid started. "Quen, really, you must come and visit some time. My text messages won't be able to travel the distances, and I will miss you the most!"
"No Tahalnid, I believe I will miss her the most. I completely appreciate everything about her." Vhir said.
"Uh, can I get back to you on that," Quen said, as she slowly walked away from them. "It really is a nice notion to come visit and all, but I don't think I will have the time, being an intergalactic, trans-dimensional space hero and all that!"
“Of course, of course, whatever you decide will be okay with us!” they both simpered as she made her way towards the exits.
Fraggle and Kassandra stepped up and walked beside her.
“Quen?”
“No Fraggle, not discussing it right now.”
“I only wanna ask yeh…”
“Nope. Not right now, not in the mood.”
“Hold up there, Giti, my love!” Fraggle said as Quenderra walked quicker in front of her. “Exactly how dae we actually get outta this stinking cesspit anyway?” Fraggle’s question was answered by a grab of the head by the nearest guard. It was the one she set Z to electrocute, and he looked at her with glee.
“Going down!” he said cheerily, then stuffed her in a small hole filled with goop.
“Eugh! Yeuck!” Grunts of disgust could be heard from lots of little holes in the walls of the ship as the captives were thrown into the gooey confined space. There came a whooshing sound and the other end of the holes opened, shooting the captives through the air in a ball of blueish goo. They seemed to fly forever within their personal stinky shield, when they all splattered to the ground in front of Bridge Studios.
“Well that was different!” Kassandra said stepping from the goo with a far away look on her face. “Did you see it? All the blue…blue…”
“Oh crap!” Fraggle said running to her. “Big, deep breaths, lass--big, deep breaths! There is no’ goo anywhere near yeh! Find yer zone Kass, find yer lovely quiet zone and take big, deep breaths!” Fraggle said, pulling a stringy piece of goo from her hair. After a short while, Kassandra had started to calm down but could not look at the goo, keeping her head high and staring at the sky instead. Everyone stood covered in blue slime, shuddering with nausea.
“Well, that is some fancy transportation they got there!” Fraggle said as she attempted to rub some slime from herself.
“Well, at least we are all back safe and sound!” Quen said cheerfully.
“Yeah, ‘bout that. Did yeh ever buy any o’ that Scent Of poweR shampoo fae Shimpy Shop on Main Street?”
“Uh, yeah, it’s my favorite.”
“Ah, thought so!” Fraggle smiled and turned to help Kass into a TDP.
“What do you mean 'thought so', what are you talking about?” Quen asked hurrying after them.
“Thank you!” a voice came from behind them. Joe Mallozzi waved a hand at the fleeing SSD agents. “Come back and visit us anytime!”
Gero looked at Mallozzi. “Can you imagine, the fate of two universes are often placed in that lots hands?” He asked.
“Makes me shudder to think of it, actually!” Mallozzi said, shuddering. “Let’s go and get this slime off and start writing about this. This is GOLD!”
The TDP deposited them in HQ once more, and Fraggle steered Kassandra to the bathroom, where she gave her a new set of clothes and turned on the shower for her.
“She should be okay, now,” she commented to Quen.
“Why were you asking about my shampoo?” Quen asked, puzzled.
“Nothing, jist wondered.” Fraggle said with a hint of a snigger as she made coffee.
“No, Fraggle, what did you mean?”
“Och, come off it, Quen! Scent Of poweR? Never wondered why the R is capitalised instead of the P in power?”
“Eh….”
“What is poweR in reverse?”
“Weakness?.”
“NO! Rewop! And who is Rewop??”
Quen’s eyes opened wide in shock and recognition.
“Ewgh! Yeuck! No way!” she cried out.
“Yip, way!”
“What are you two talking about?” Kassandra asked, returned to normal and drying her hair with a towel.
“Well, Quenderra here uses the lovely Scent Of poweR shampoo range.”
“NO WAY!” Kassandra giggled with glee. “That would explain it all! Rewop Merfer. There is a name from the past! Remember the first time we were sent after him!” Kassandra said with a shake of the head. “Never did figure out why we were all fighting over him, until we opened that door to the factory!”
Quenderra groaned and left the room for a shower.
“Yeah, I remember! I nearly took yer heid off tryin’ tae get tae him first! Completely out of control!”
“Poor Quen! She had no idea?”
“Nope!”
Just then, the bathroom door opened and three bottles of shampoo were unceremoniously thrown out.
- - -
Epilogue
Quenderra let out a long sigh as she finally stepped from the HQ bathroom. Fraggle had finally had to return to her own abode to get into the shower there since the blonde was taking so long.
"And here I thought I was just a pretty decent flirt," she chuckled to Z. "I'm telling you, though, it's all Suave and Vo5 from now on--no more experimental stuff." The computer's screen blinked several times as Quenderra took a seat in a nearby chair.
"I heard you and Fraggle were at it," she said, leveling the computer with a pointed glance.
<...are you angry?> Z wanted to know.
"Nah, Ziggy, no--I'm just sad the two of you can't get along," the blonde told him. "Fraggle was pretty ticked, though."
<So?> Ziggy could not see how that mattered.
"So, you should try to get along with all of us! Ziggs, honestly, she was so mad she wanted me to send you back."
<You wouldn't?!>
"If you keep misbehaving, I might have to. Look, you can't shock SSD agents through the wrist devices, okay?"
The screen blinked once. <OK.>
"Alright, I gotta head back home, now, alright?" Quenderra rose to leave.
<To Collene?> Ziggy asked.
"Hey," the blonde said gently, placing the hand on the side of Z's monitor, "Collene's a microchip compared to you. And you don't give me half the problems she does." She held up the RD as the TDP activated. "Play us some good music, okay? I'll see you tomorrow. Good night, Ziggy." She entered the portal as music began to play. Ziggy hummed mechanically along for a moment.
<Good night, Quenderra,> he typed to the empty room. The screen grew dark as the computer shut down the majority of his systems. The blonde would return. She was his friend and he was important to her...
-
End.
- - -
Attempted editing for optimal readibility by Quenderra.
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